


GRUMPS! The Musical

by No_Good_Reason



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Drama, M/M, Musicals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-15
Updated: 2014-03-15
Packaged: 2018-01-15 20:35:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1318318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/No_Good_Reason/pseuds/No_Good_Reason
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Well. More like a drama, with some music. Written out of a desire to write a play.</p>
            </blockquote>





	GRUMPS! The Musical

(Lights fade up. DANNY and ROSS are sitting on the couch in the Grump Room, playing through an episode of Steam Train. ROSS is holding an Xbox controller that is plugged into his laptop’s USB Port. We cannot see the TV that the laptop is connected to; however, the game footage is represented by a TV screen to the right of the couch. DANNY is talking, as ROSS dies over and over to a miniboss.)  
DANNY: Oh my god, you need to figure it out. He’s throwing his piss at you –  
ROSS: It’s not – oh my god, it totally looks like piss. (In fact, the boss is throwing an orb of yellow magical energy that shatters on a surface. Due to the shattering animation and the milky texture of the orb, Danny is referring to the attack as a “piss bomb.”) It is totally a piss bomb.  
DANNY: Yeah. Did I ever tell you about the time I got hit with a piss bomb?  
ROSS: Holy shit, no. (He tenses up as he jumps over one of the miniboss’s magical spells. Once he has dodged the attack, he relaxes.) Did you – was it, like a water balloon, or –  
DANNY: Yeah. I was at, uh, summer camp. A Jewish summer camp. Everyone there had to have at least three yamikas. Camp rules.  
ROSS: Really?  
DANNY: No, not really. Anyway, I was at this summer camp, and I had no idea who anyone was, and my parents said to me, (imitates his father) “Okay, Danny, go and, ehh, make some new friends, bye!” and then they drove off. So anyway, I walked up to this kid, and he said to me “You have ugly hair.” Because he was, like, twelve, and twelve-year-olds say some mean stuff, you know?  
ROSS: Totally. I was – oh, that reminds me – I was around ten and –  
DANNY: Right. He says to me “You have ugly hair,” and I say to him, because I see some water on his pants, like he peed himself, and I say to him “Well, you peed yourself.” And he was pissed.  
ROSS: Haha, pissed. (The miniboss kills him again.) Fuck!  
DANNY: So apparently this kid has, like, eight henchmen, and he decides that he wants to teach me a lesson. He’s like a little mob boss. (He chuckles.) So he and his henchmen steal a bag of water balloons from the camp counselors – because it was summer camp, people were having water balloon fights, you know how it goes. (ROSS voices his understanding.) And his little crew show up that evening before dinner, and they have like twenty water balloons full of urine. And they just fucking unload on me. One minute I was walking along – Oh, I didn’t know they were coming, either. That was the thing – One minute I’m walking, and the next minute I am absolutely soaked in pee. (Breaks into laughter.)  
ROSS: Oh, God. (Laughs)  
DANNY: It was still warm, too. (Both of them laugh.) And you know what? I was by the wall of the cabin, so a lot of the pee splashed onto the wall behind me. It formed, like, an outline around where I was standing. You could distinctly make out my profile.  
ROSS: OH, man it’s like – it’s like (He collapses into laughter.) It’s – it’s, oh God it’s like, how, you know, in those old videos about, the end of World War Two, how the US bombed Hiroshima, and how there were just ashes everywhere except where people were standing, and it was like a shadow! (He laughs harder than before.)  
DANNY: Holy shit man, that – that isn’t funny! (He laughs nervously. Ross, however, begins laughing uproariously. His face is turning red.)  
ROSS: No, man, it’s like, it was … Oh, God, give me a minute. (He puts down the controller.)  
DANNY: Sure. (He picks up the controller and begins to dodge the miniboss’ attacks. Finally, Ross recovers.)  
ROSS: It’s like… okay, it’s … (He takes a breath.)  
DANNY: I’m listening.  
ROSS: (Pause) HiroPEEma…  
(There is a short silence. Dan puts down the controller and stares at ROSS, who is laughing quietly to himself. After a beat, DANNY begins to laugh, slowly at first then with a growing intensity, until both of them are crying, tears and snot pouring down their faces. They collapse against each other, gasping deep, shuddering breaths. It takes almost thirty seconds for them to subside into small, whispering laughs. Afterwards, Danny speaks. He sounds tired.)  
DANNY: Oh, wow. Hiropeema. (He giggles.) Well, uh, next time on Steam Train, we –  
ROSS: We rebuild from Hiropeema. (They both giggle.)  
DANNY: Yeah. And kill the miniboss. (Ross reaches for his keyboard and taps a few keys. The screen representing the game goes black.) Wow. We have to – have to – get Barry to put that it. It’s fucking amazing.   
ROSS: Yeah. (Pause) I need a minute. (He stands up.) I’m going to go get a glass of milk. Need anything?  
DANNY: No, I’m good. (ROSS leaves. Pause. DANNY stands and begins to tidy up the Grump Room, posing action figures, blowing dust off of memorabilia. After some time, he begins to sing.)  
It’s little moments like this  
That remind me why I’m not mad  
When he fucks up a game, or that terrible cat  
Scratches my arm pretty bad. (He rubs his arm.)

But it’s not just the terrible puns  
That we make from time to time  
They only remind me that Ross is the one  
And that he can never be mine

A life of hiding what’s true  
Can that really be the way?  
‘Cause I just wanna say, “Ross, I love you,”  
And admit to the world that I’m – (Beat, then he sighs.) I can’t say it.

So I guess it’s back to the norm  
Back to the me that’s not me  
But it won’t keep my heart from feeling torn  
When I think about what can’t be.  
(ARIN sticks his head in through the door. DANNY immediately stops singing, and the music cuts out with him.)  
ARIN: Hey, were you singing?  
DANNY: No, that is … I was completely not doing that … actually. (He looks away.)  
ARIN: That’s weird, I could have – Anyway. Have you seen Ross, by any chance?  
DANNY: (Looks back to ARIN) Yeah, we were just doing – Are you okay? You look … upset.  
ARIN: (Nervous chuckle) Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to Ross about. (Pause) He, uh, he fucked up one of the videos I’ve been working on.   
DANNY: (Confused) You’ve been working on a video? I haven’t heard about it.  
ARIN: Oh, yeah, I’ve had it in the works … off and on … for about a year. Or so. (A long, awkward pause. ARIN and DANNY look anywhere but each other.) So, I uh, I guess you guys have more stuff to record. I’ll see you later. (He turns to leave but bumps right into ROSS, who is carrying a plate of cookies. ROSS walks past him without a word and sets the cookie platter next to DANNY on the table.) Oh hey there… you.  
ROSS: (Without looking at him) Hi.  
ARIN: I bet you’ve been real … busy. Recently.  
ROSS: (Swallowing.) I. Uh, yeah. I mean, not really, but. Yes. (He looks downwards.)  
(Arin takes a step forward ominously. ROSS flinches. DANNY takes a step away from the two of them.)  
ARIN: Maybe doing a little … (Another step forward) editing? (Another step.)  
ROSS: Oh God, I’m sorry!  
ARIN: No, you aren’t. (Two steps, then three, then he is standing in front of ROSS and forces ROSS to look at him.) You never are. Why would you do that?  
ROSS: I just – (He closes his eyes.) I was in your room and I noticed that some of your animations were choppy and I decided to fix them (ARIN grabs his ear and twists.) OH GOD I’M SORRY IT’LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!  
(DANNY steps forward. He looks at ARIN.)  
DANNY: That’s enough. He said he was sorry. Back off.  
(For a moment they stare at each other, DANNY’s chest puffed, ARIN still holding ROSS’s ear as ROSS gently sobs. It seems that they will come to blows until both of them seem to realize how silly they’re being. They back away from each other in an almost embarrassed fashion, ARIN letting go of ROSS’s ear without an apology. DANNY sits back down next to ROSS.)  
ARIN: (Sheepishly) Well. Uh, don’t – don’t let it happen again. Kay?  
ROSS: (Through tears) Yes. Yes. I promise.  
DANNY: Look, you made him cry. (He glares at ARIN) What’s wrong with you?  
(ARIN looks at ROSS with a mix of contempt, pity, and embarrassment.)   
ARIN: Yeah. I did. (He walks out.)  
(ROSS cries quietly. DANNY looks down at the plate of cookies. They have been artfully decorated in a spiral. He looks up at the ceiling, the floor, and then the patch of sofa next to ROSS.)  
DANNY: I’m sorry. (Pause.) That’s not –  
ROSS: It isn’t your fault. (He sniffs.)  
DANNY: Well, somebody has to apologize, and it’s not gonna be him.   
ROSS: That doesn’t make it your fault. (He looks at the cookie plate with something like disgust.) It’s okay.  
DANNY: Is he – has he done this, you know. Before now. Has he talked to you … like that? (Pause) It’s okay, you don’t …  
ROSS: Yes. (He stares at the wall, eyes red and leaking tears.) For a while now. (He closes his eyes.)  
DANNY: I’m sorry. I didn’t know.   
(Pause.)  
ROSS: It isn’t your fault. You don’t have to apologize. (Pause.) You don’t. You know. You don’t think I’m useless, do you?  
DANNY: What do you mean?  
ROSS: You know what I mean. Like how everyone gives me shit all the time. I’m pretty goddamned tired of it. I know. I know it’s just a joke, it’s funnier that way. I mean, I understand it, “goddamnit Ross,” ha ha. I know it’s not – (Pause.) It wasn’t personal. At first.  
DANNY: You mean –  
ROSS: But now I’m starting to get the feeling that you guys really do think I’m a useless person. IF I do something good – I take out the trash, I feed the cats, I make (He gestures to the tray) fucking cookies – if I do anything, you people are like “Oh, thanks Ross. I guess.” But if I mess up at Fortune Street or Orph gets pissed at someone (DANNY rubs his arm again) then suddenly it’s all about “Oh wow, Ross, way to keep things together, you fucking piece of shit.”  
DANNY: Ross –  
ROSS: And then all of a sudden I feel like – like nobody lov—(His voice breaks, and he sniffs. He turns away from DANNY. He sighs through tears.) It’s a lot. A lot to deal with.  
(DANNY stands and walks to ROSS, who is facing the audience). He puts his hand on ROSS’s shoulder.)  
DANNY: Ross. (ROSS blinks but does not turn.) I don’t think you’re useless. Suzy doesn’t think you’re useless. Nobody does. (ROSS closes his eyes and looks down for a second.) The thing is – what we do, it’s like acting, twenty-four-seven. And the thing is – that kind of acting, that pretending – it wears down on you. It’s like sanding down your soul, with extra rough sandpaper. (Pause) The kind you buy at the hardware store. (Pause.) Anyway, the point is that doing what we do – what you do – is hard. It’s hard not to let the character you be control you. To let it become you. And the thing is – I’m not Danny Sexbang. I’m not a handsome rogue who has to … has to just look at a girl to get in her pants. Barry isn’t some mute freak, and you aren’t a useless joke. You’re Ross. You’re a hell of a guy, and I – (Short pause.) I think you’re pretty cool.  
(ROSS turns and looks into DANNY’s eyes. He blinks, looks away, and walks back to the sofa. DANNY turns to watch him.)   
ROSS: Thanks. (He smiles weakly. It is not a convincing smile.) It means a lot. To hear that, coming from you. (DANNY walks back to the sofa and sits next to ROSS.) I just – it’s not just Arin, and everyone.  
DANNY: I figured as much. You’re stronger than to let Arin get to you like that.  
ROSS: Flattery is not going to make me feel better. (Despite this, he smiles, and it’s a real smile this time. DANNY smiles back.)  
DANNY: Yeah, well. (Pause) Do you – do you want to, you know. Talk about it? (The smile leaves ROSS’s face.) Oh, if you don’t –  
ROSS: It’s fine. It’s – you’d have to know eventually. (He takes a deep breath. He closes his eyes.) Holly and I … It’s looking like we may get a divorce.  
(DANNY is shocked. ROSS doesn’t look at him, instead angling his face away, towards the other side of the room.)  
DANNY: Oh my God. Wh—I mean --  
ROSS: I shouldn’t be telling anyone. (He wraps his arms around himself.) Not until – I don’t want to really talk about it that much. You’re just … (The same weak, fake smile.) You’ve been a good friend, right? You won’t tell anybody. (Pause.) Right?  
DANNY: Of course. I – Definitely.  
(ROSS turns and places both hands on DANNY’s shoulders with an intensity that startles him. He is inches away from DANNY’s face, and his eyes are wide open.)  
ROSS: You cannot tell anyone this. Not Barry, not Suzy, not Brian. Or Arin. (Pause.) Not Arin. (DANNY nods. ROSS takes his hands off of DANNY and slumps in the couch, like a wind-up toy that has just died.) We can’t – It doesn’t look like we can work past our. (Pause.) Issues.  
DANNY: I’m so sorry, man. I don’t – I’ve never had any experience with. With separation.  
(Ross snorts.)  
ROSS: Bullshit. You’ve dated dozens of girls, probably. You’ve gotta know what this it like.  
(Danny scratches the back of his neck and looks away.)   
DANNY: Sure. But, the point is, I don’t – I’ve never really – I mean. (Pause.) Look. You need to know something. I’m –  
ROSS: I know.  
DANNY: (surprised) What?  
(ROSS nods.)   
ROSS: I know. You’ve never had to deal with something so. Severe. Something so complete. Total rejection.  
DANNY: Well. That isn’t exactly – (He sees ROSS begin to cry again) Oh, man. It’s okay. Look, it’ll be alright. (Pause.) It’s okay. (He puts a hand on ROSS’s shoulder, and is surprised when ROSS falls onto DANNY and begins crying. He puts a hand on ROSS’s back in what he supposes is a comforting manner.)  
ROSS: (Through tears.) I just. I love her, man. I do. I do. I love her. And she – she – she –  
DANNY: It’s okay. It’s okay. (He pats ROSS on the back, awkwardly. He looks around the room, thinking of something he can say. He shushed Ross, the way mothers do to small children who have scraped their knee.) Shhh… it’ll be okay. It’s alright. It’s … it’s okay.   
(He sits there, holding ROSS as he cries into DANNY’s chest. They sit there, awkwardly, until ROSS’s cries subside into whimpers, then into soft, heavy breathing interrupted by the occasional hiccup.)   
(Lights fade.)

ROSS: (muffled) I’m sorry.  
DANNY: (Softly) It’s alright. (Pause.) It’s alright.


End file.
